My story begins like many others... I was born, then
daddy left me at the age of five and never came back...
Looking back at the age of 12 I still couldn't tell you if I was running
from home or running into the world. Today I don't need to know, all I
know is I was running. The streets were cold, callus, filled with loss,
grief, pain, and sorrow. I was hungry and needed to eat, I was cold and
needed a warm place to sleep I was alone and scared although I didn't
Ontario Street in downtown Toledo was the place I walked seeking love and acceptance that I would never
find. They came in droves...old men, young men, men of all ages. It was
a perfect breeding
ground for pedophiles.
I was only 14 years old trying to survive. I was between juvenile
prisons. In order to survive I had to accept that this was what my life
was meant to be. The first time I was picked up by an older, very heavy
set man, he enticed me with food and drink. I thought he liked me. He
gained my trust and then sodomized me... I cried and cried. I thought if
there was a God He didn't care enough about me to help me... I was alone
and angry. However, I needed to survive, so I took a different approach.
I decided I would be in control of every situation I would decide who,
what, and where. I became a master manipulator. I got what I wanted when
I wanted it. I figured if they were going to use me, I was certainly
going to use them. I was so alone, lonely, hurt, and disconnected. I
just existed and succumbed to my circumstances, so I started to do
drugs, and lots of them to mask the pain. I became a human sex slave to
dozens and dozens of men each with his own perversions. I was so lost
and felt so dehumanized so at times when I was picked up and sent to
another juvenile prison I was relieved. At least for a while the pain
would go away...
But there was the pain of being locked up that I had to deal with, and
the pain and fear of not knowing if and when one of the staff would
sexually assault me. It was a never ending cycle of complete misery.
At that time I never would have guessed that through all that I would
fall even deeper into the big black hole of darkness and misery. It
didn't happen at first. In the beginning these two worlds were exactly
what I thought life was all about. There were the worlds of stripping
and porn where I would spend over 20 years of my life...
Back then there were no male strippers. We were the first group in Ohio.
Man, I thought I had arrived. There were hundreds of women glorifying me
and paying me huge sums of money. At the age of 18 I was making more
money than my parents. This was all a set up for the enemy's big lie.
After a couple years of stripping I entered into the world of escort
services and porn. This was the beginning of a downward cascade
into a state of what I call numbness. I couldn’t feel
anything anymore. The “masks” I put on allowed me to escape who I really
was. I no longer cared who you were or what you wanted sexually from me,
as long as you were paying me, I would be anything you wanted me to be.
I had a mask for every occasion. If you wanted me to be Snow White and 7
Dwarfs I would find a way to be that. This is where fantasy and reality
clashed. You don't know one from the other. So what do you do? Drugs!
On porn sets back in those days, there were always bowls for cocaine on
hand. The more cocaine I did the more powerful I thought I was. But
everything has a flip side to it doesn't it?
After years of cocaine and alcohol abuse and living in the sex industry
I started to lose that power. I have to tell you that filming a porn
video is in no way the same as what the people on the other end of the
video are viewing. The ten to fifteen minute act can sometimes take
hours to produce. The people on the other side of the camera don't see
the twenty to thirty people all around you. They don't see all the cuts
from the director. They don't see the bodily accidents that take place.
And they don't see, depending on who's shooting or the budget, the dirty
set conditions. Nothing is what it appears to be and once the product
that you become is no longer profitable, they throw you away like a
dirty paper towel. I don't care what part of the sex industry you’re in,
there's absolutely no glamour in it! "Too much time in the spotlight will
blind you." I don't care if you’re selling yourself in an inner city
alley or on a fifty thousand dollar porn set...there is no difference.
Its all prostitution and paid rape. Men are just as victimized as women
in this industry, because it is a soul issue. Unfortunately, many men
don't come forward because of a shameful pride and ego...
After many years of alcohol and drug addiction it sent me literally into
the closet of my home and mind, smoking crack cocaine for over a decade.
Within that decade, most of which I had no human contact, I brutalized
and tortured myself over and over again. There were many suicide
attempts, the last being when I jumped off of a 3 story building.
Throughout the course of my life I had broken every bone in my body
except my back and my neck. But jumping off a 3 story building wasn’t
enough. The devil wasn’t done yet, and I was back in the closet for
another year where the devil began his process of killing me. I entered
into a state of what I call numbness, in which I couldn’t live, and I
That day I cried out to God I have never been the same. He took me out
of the pit and did the inner work, as I knew I had to do the outer work.
I was truly blessed in a way that was not apparent at the time, and that
is, for the next year I had no one in my life, and relatively no human
contact. I was just alone with God and his Word not knowing or
understanding what it all meant. I was extremely frustrated, but I knew
God was changing me from the inside out. I was merely a willing
participant to let it happen no matter how difficult. Through prayer and
discipline and seeking Him through His word, He kept giving me more
revelation and wisdom. The more I learned to surrender all of me to all
of Him, the stronger I became in my relationship with Him.
In 2007 God opened the door for me to move to Cincinnati. Upon my move
while praying and searching for a church I received a local magazine in
the mail which featured Word of Deliverance on the cover advertising
their Holy Convocation in which Bishop TD Jakes was invited to speak.
Bishop Jakes, not knowing me personally, was an extremely powerful
influence in my life once I was saved. Having noone in my life and no
direction in the Word of God I found Bishop TD Jakes on TBN and he was
instrumental in teaching, leading, and guiding me in the understanding
of the Word. Therefore, God spoke to me and said, "Seek out that
church!" (Word of Deliverance for the World). Upon my first entry into
the church I felt the presence of Holy Spirit and I knew God had brought
me home. I sat under the leadership of Bishop Bobby Hilton and I will
always feel blessed to have been a part of The Word Family, and have
such respect for Bishop Hilton's vision and leadership position.
In 2010, I relocated to Hudson, FL with my wife Andrea.
If you are facing or have faced similar issues/circumstances in lifeand
are seeking help please visit our Reach Out
page for more information. We are here to help!